I had so many questions.
And with my Human eyes, and my Human mind, I could not see God. The universe is soooo big, molecules soooo small. Where could God possibly be? He doesn't exist, I decided. He is a fairy tale to comfort those who hurt. A lie to tell small children so they believe loved ones go to Heaven when they die. A bit of sugar to help swallow the bitter pill of death.
That is what I believed. And that is what I told myself. I am a science nerd, after all. But my heart longed for something more. How can evolution bring forth a being with a personality, with a soul? Why are we so much more than other animals? We have complex emotions that include compassion for others. That doesn't fit with the evolutionary model of "survival of the fittest." How does love, compassion and sympathy lead to a greater, more evolved being? I understand altruism, and the greater good of a species, but how does a DNA molecule know that? According to evolution the DNA molecule simply wants to reproduce. There is no need for love or compassion if that is all there is.
I think I am a very loving, compassionate person. So this idea of no God, only evolution is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't match. Evolution would never lead to a loving compassionate species such as ours. No, I think evolution would lead to a ruthless, dominating species like we see in so many alien movies.
So I began to read. I read books written by scientists who believe in God. I learned so much, and my eyes were open. It is the concept of a "Fine Tuned Universe" that finally convinced me God is real.
But like Einstein, just because there is a God and a Creator, that does not mean He is a personal God. Perhaps He made us and then went on to better things. That would certainly explain alot about the evil in the world today.
So that set well with me---until I learned about Jesus. Once I learned (through my personal studies) that Jesus was who He said He was (God as flesh) and that He died for us so that we may be with Him in Heaven, I realized that can only mean that God IS a personal God, who loves each of us. (see my series of posts from March 2013)
So IF God is who He says He is, and Jesus is who He says He is...............I am convinced, and I turn my studies to the Bible. If God created us, and loves us, and wants to be with us, then His word must be true and I want to learn all I can from it. (BIBLE--Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth)
Don't think I jumped in hook, line & sinker. I still had questions, anger issues even. Like regarding all the evil in this world. For example I was stunned learning of a little girl kidnapped from her own bed at night, raped and murdered and left in a shallow grave.............HOW CAN HE LET THAT HAPPEN????!!!!
So much anger in me for this, and so many other wrongs in this world. There is so much evil!
Then I read Proverbs 3:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your hear and lean not on your own understanding."
I can't tell you why, but that was like a bucket of cold water poured on my anger. I could hear God speaking to me, telling me that I cannot understand His ways, but I need to Trust Him----Trust Him.
And I did.
I let go of all that anger.
I still don't understand. But I trust Him. I trust that a greater good will prevail.
I trust that through tragedy God's goodness will prevail, even though I may never see it or understand it. Sometimes a great amount of time needs to pass to understand---sometimes I will never understand----but I trust Him. And it is okay if I don't understand. I no longer need to.
And I feel peace.
I am still on this Journey, still learning about God. I read books with a hunger I never knew I had. I am currently reading about string theory and the possibilities of alternate dimensions...............and I am believing that is being revealed to science by God to show that there are such difficult things to comprehend, such as alternate dimensions (which is where I believe Heaven to be) that again, God is right, we cannot understand His ways----For His ways are not our ways, they are so much higher..........
So I trust.
And I believe.